Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
