and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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