He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
