i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it hurts more in the daytime
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
