we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
