My Higher Power is John Stamos
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
