Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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