ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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