I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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