sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
