I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize