Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
