Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
