Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
