A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
