I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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