Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
