i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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