My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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