I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
