I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize