SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
