I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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