I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
