if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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