So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You took a bar mat shot.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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