Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
