There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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