I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
