yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I will be naked everywhere
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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