i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
