Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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