I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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