totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
