I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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