i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
