I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize