toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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