someone threw a dead crab at me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize