he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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