Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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