I accidentally had phone sex last night
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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