I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
