feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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