Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
