dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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