the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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