He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
