What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
