I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
