I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hippo gnu deer
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
