just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
