and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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