i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize