did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
