Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
