I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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